Dear John,
Am large loser who leaves mouth wash at much loved friends houses. What am I to do with self?
Signed, Pierced on the Pacific.

Dear Pierced. This must have been very inconvenient, not to mention embarrassing, for you. It reminds of some trouble I encountered on the set of my movie, The Sure Thing. Daphne Zuniga and I got to be great friends and spent tons of time in each other’s trailers. Imagine my surprise when one night after she’d gone I found a bottle of mouthwash on the floor next to her chair. We had some close contact scenes coming up and dude, I was worried about possible halitosis. I acted like a chicken for ages until I finally just came out and asked her. Turns out it was just Gatorade! Anyway the point here is that honesty is always the best policy.

Hi John! Just spent the evening putting up a new desk for my Barbie computer with Debs who was really bossy with the hammer (I wasn't arguing) but it's a little wobbly (some gender based reason why my flat pack crap is always a little wobbly??). And the drawer which slides out for the keyboard is a little stiff, so Iwondered if you could pop round with some geezer's solution??

Dear Barbie Computer Owner, Congratulations on your new purchase. As you might know from my performance in Being John Malkovich I’m a very handy guy with wood and some tools. I’m used to the slightly more artistic realm of puppet making but I don’t see why my skills shouldn’t cross over. People still think of me as a weedy little kid. Few remember my training in kickboxing for Say Anything. In short I’ll be by to help on Wednesday.


Dear John,
I am a not-bad-looking teenager who’s got a bit of a reputation as a spaz. For a while I did that whole class clown thing but now I want to be taken seriously. Also there is a girl who I’m in love with. But she doesn’t seem to notice I’m alive. What can I do?

Nerdy Teen Dear Nerd, I’ve been there. You may remember me as a cringe-worthy geek in Sixteen Candles. Even Anthony Michael Hall looked good compared to me. But then I got a little more confidence in myself. If you remember my role in Say Anything you’ll remember that I was a bit erratic but I tried to just be myself. No one thought Diane would go out with me but I gave it a shot and things worked out for us. You never know what a girl thinks until you ask her. And a girl doesn’t want you to play some big act. She wants you to be yourself.

John, I am dating Minnie Driver and I want to break up. What should I do?
Matt Damon

Dude, I made the mistake of leaving Minnie before our high school prom in Grosse Pointe Blank. I regretted dumping her so unceremoniously and I’m glad I had the chance to make it up to her. She’s a great gal. Don’t make the same mistake I did all those years ago.